PARK YOUR SHOES UNDER MY BED
... A short story about the creature comforts of working at the Firm

I was fixing myself another breakfast taco when all of a sudden she was in my face asking what group I had been assigned to. I gathered that she had mistook me for an intern so I explained that I was new to the firm and looked forward to assisting her with her marketing activities. She responded with a smirk, "You can help me with a lot of activities". Then, as fast as she appeared, she evaporated into the crowd to liven up other small groups of lushes.

I didn't have time to digest the encounter. I spent every minute trying to gauge the landscape and find out who were the real movers-and-shakers. After a couple hours of merriment, I stumbled back to my office with everyone else ... just in time to leave for a three-martini lunch with some of the younger attorneys.  But, that day was tame to some others I experienced while working at the Firm.

Marketers were relatively new to the field of law. The industry had been doing business the same way since Moses brought the tablets down from Mt. Sinai. Marketing had not been part of the normal structure of a law firm. But, business environments inevitably change and the industry began to experience mergers and acquisitions, paralleling the accounting industry which had encountered the same a decade previous. Over a relatively short time, it became an eat-or-be-eaten world for law firms ... so, marketing became necessary as the corporate world wised up to the legal industry. Corporate America started sending business out for bid ... something that was unheard of a decade ago. Firms had no idea how to respond to a RFQ. As a matter of fact, they saw RFQ's as an insult.

I started by making the rounds and introducing myself to the attorneys on a one-on-one basis ... kinda the get-to-know-you thing.  I found attorneys to be an entertaining sort. The old coots had been doing business the same way for decades and the very thought of marketing sent shivers up and down their spines. I was informed by one old, gruff attorney that, "marketing is the same as sales ... and, I don't sell ... people come to me for my skills"! I quickly learned that it was these types of attorneys that were slowly losing their book of business and subsequently being swept away in the dustpan of history. And, it seemed this firm had a lot of attorneys that had this mindset. Joy.

There were a lot of old codgers in the Firm. I had started to consider alternating between the younger attorneys who had some clue about marketing and the older attorneys when I met a dinosaur who thought he knew everything about the subject. He was older than the hills, but he had at least wised up to the fact that marketing was becoming necessary. He began by telling me that marketing was something that he had always performed with his client base. He was obviously proud of the fact that he had an "established marketing program" and was aching to share it with me. After seeing a number of attorneys who point blank asked me what the hell I brought to the table and how much of their hard earned cash I was costing them, I was pleased to finally meet with someone who was at least receptive to the concept of marketing. He proceeded to tell me that he sends Christmas cards to all of his clients on a yearly basis. Uh huh. I verbally congratulated him on the effort as I waited for the rest of the story. It never came. That was the extent of it; Christmas cards. Joy. I told him that I was impressed with his efforts and was looking forward to seeing what we could do to expand on his, um, marketing program.
Then things changed.

Next on my list was Judy; Ms. gregarious herself. The encounter at the party came back to me.  It was a quick encounter so I didn't have the time to properly vet the situation, but somehow I knew this meeting would be engaging. Reviewing her extensive bio on the way to her office, she obviously had the full pound of M&M's going for her. I poked my head in her office door and asked if she had a few minutes and she responded with a wink and a smirk, "Hunny, for you ... more than a few"! I sat down in one of her plush chairs directly across from her desk.  She proceeded to lean across her desk and stare at my crotch as she peppered me with questions. Her eyes kept sliding up and down my body only pausing at my eyes long enough to see how I was reacting to the tits she had draped out of her blouse and spread on her desk.

Here I was ... a newbie in the Firm trying to establish a good impression. I didn't know whether to get up and excuse myself before I became more tented than I already was, or sit back and hang on for dear life. Since her office door had remained open which gave me some sense of connection to the outside world, I froze. After a few minutes that seemed like an eternity and stumbling for answers to her questions that were brimming with sexual innuendo, I told her that I needed to get going because I was trying to make the rounds to as many of the attorneys as possible before day's end. My parting comment, that I had said to all the attorneys that I met with that day, was "If I can help you with anything, please let me know, I'm at your disposal". I was half way to her office door and had the sentence half way out of my mouth when I realized that she would take advantage of that opening as well. It was too late ... I hadn't had the sentence out of my mouth for more than a half second when she responded, "Hunny, you can park your shoes under my bed any day!" I turned a dozen shades of red before I reached the door.

Her legal secretary, who was positioned in a cubby just outside her office, heard the comment and smirked at me as I walked by. I didn't stop. Judy completely owned me during that meeting ... and, both she and her secretary knew it. And, I knew I was done for the day.

Instead of making an ass out of myself in another attorneys office, I virtually ran back to my office and closed the door. Sitting down at my desk, I tried to collect myself ... reviewing her bio once again. Judy wasn't some junior associate ... no, she was a full-fledge Senior Partner in the Firm. Judy had balls ... and she bounced them well.

I was still in the process of getting my poop back in a group when I received an e-mail from her.  The only thing it said was that she "enjoyed the experience and expected me in her office the same time next week for a follow-up".  I had always abided by my own "keep-the-peter-out-of-the-payroll-policy".  But, somehow, I knew this one was going to be difficult.
I enjoyed those meetings. She was amazingly forthright in letting me know *exactly* what she wanted.

And, she marketed herself very, very well.